The Wall

I would be lying if I said this past week hasn’t been hard. I officially hit the wall yesterday. With a pounding headache and an inability to focus, I called it and went back to bed. I shut my eyes and tried to block out the negative thoughts and sad feelings for a bit. I’d also be lying if I said that worked. It didn’t!

As I scrolled through my Twitter feed, I came across this quote from Brene’ Brown, that rang so true and summed up my week perfectly:

undefinedWhen we hit that wall, sometimes courage looks like scaling it or breaking through it. AND, sometimes courage is building a fort against the wall and taking a nap. Hard days are real because this is hard. Stay awkward, kind and brave enough to rest and feel.

Brene’ Brown (@brenebrown)

Isolation has been hard, especially for my two daughters, but for me too. This past week school was offically cancelled for the rest of the year. This news was hard to swallow for my HS senior. We knew it was coming, but having it become official slammed the door on that glitter of hope we’d kept alive. Each day that long, look-forwarded to event that was supposed to happen that didn’t passes (Costa Rica trip with Spanish Club, prom, track season and soon to be senior skip day, commencement, and graduation parties) we mourn again. No one died, yet the grief feels unbearable at times.

This past week unbeknownst to me (until an argument about grooming the dog caused my youngest to rat out her sister), my oldest daugther saw a friend when she was out picking up takeout for us. Because of the shelter-at-home order, we are limiting who we see and practicing social distancing. Excited to see her friend, whom she hasn’t seen in weeks, they hugged. In the scheme of life, a two second hug should NOT be a big deal. It’s a normal, every day occurence. It’s what friends do, when they miss each other. However, it became a big deal.

My youngest is a worrier. (Hell, I’m a worrier). So, when she woke up with a sore throat Thursday morning, she became convinced she has COVID-19 now. Does she? Probably not. Is it possible? Maybe. Her logic is that because her sister hugged her friend, the virus could have gotten on said friend’s clothes (because she works as an essential worker in a restaraunt), the virus could have jumped to her sister’s clothes when they hugged and then jumped on her clothes when she was playing basketball with her sister, then it could have jumped on her hand when she touched her shirt and into her mouth when she accidentally touched her face and boom now she has it.

I’ve read articles about how contagious the virus is and her logic is not that far off, but still unlikely? The oldest who is young and healthy, thinks everyone is over-reacting. Her friend isn’t sick and takes precautions after work. The problem is that her friend could be sick without knowing she is. My boyfriend lives alone and has been working from home as well. He also spends minimal time with his parents (whom I have been missing dearly. I can’t wait to have Q’Doba with them again) as he has medication for his back that he can’t apply without help. We had been spending time together at his house and ours. Our thought was that we have two homes that make up one household. We live 40 minutes away from each other. Were we breaking the rules? My daughter thinks so. I get to hug my friend and she doesn’t. He is family. I see it differently. It is different.

We have decided not to see each other in person for at least two weeks because of the two-second hug. Following my youngest daugher’s logic, the virus could jump on my clothes or have already infected me, and then jump on my boyfriend and on to his parents. His parents and mine are in a higher risk category. So while it is seeminly, dizzying logic, we simply aren’t willing to take that risk no matter how small it may be. My oldest thinks the whole thing is stupid. And, I agree with her, the whole thing is stupid. I hate the situation and I want it all to go away ASAP (hence pulling the covers over my head). My youngest feels bad for being a tattle-tale (you did the right thing sweetie) and keeps asking me if I am mad and why I look sad. I have reassured them both that I am not mad, and yes I am a bit sad, but I am OK.

I remind them and myself that this will pass. This isn’t forever. I chide myself for feeling sorry for myself – what right do I have? My family is healthy, I still have my job and can work from home, I have a home and food. I am grateful and blessed. I force myself out of bed and get ready to face the day.

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