The Fine Line

beachAs I write this post, I can hear the soothing sound of waves crashing against the quiet beach. The sun is set to rise at approximately 6:18 AM. The sun’s rays are just starting to color the sky pink and orange. The sand is cool beneath my feet and a breeze is ruffling my hair. I am a lone with my thoughts. The world here is seemingly still asleep.

My decision to get here though was far from easy. We’d planned and booked this family vacation a year ago – pre-pandemic. For my vibrant daughters, the decision was a no-brainer. We can’t just stop living, mom! On the other hand, my worrisome mind went to worst-case and what if this vacation became our last vacation together. I’m a pre-disposed worrier you might say.

On the whole tolerance for risk continuum, I probably fall on the lower end of the scale. I can look at the numbers and the precautions to mitigate risk, yet my mind will zero in on the ‘yeah, but’, what if I am that .09% or someone I love is. That is hard to put aside – at least for me. My family on the other hand has a higher tolerance for risk. That’s not bad or good, it just makes it harder for the risk-adverse peeps like me.

As I sat on the beach earlier this morning my brother-in-law joined me. We talked awhile about the state of the world and risk. He helped me realize or remember two things – we feel what we feel. You can’t control that, but you can control what you do with those feelings. He said we are all going to die someday. Maybe it’ll be a car crash or cancer or a heart attack or COVID-19. We can’t dictate the choices other people make.

He’s right on that. I can control my choices and mitigate the risks as much as possible. We are in a private house on the beach with a private pool. We aren’t going out to attractions, shopping or out to eat. We only go to the beach when it’s early morning or late evening and when it’s mostly deserted. We limited grocery trips to a couple people in the early morning to minimize exposure. Could someone still get it? Absolutely. However, there is that fine line between living and fear to live.

If I had decided the risk wasn’t worth the joy and relaxation of spending time with my family, I may have missed the last opportunity to connect with them. No one knows what tomorrow brings let alone next week, next month or next year. We can only hope for the best and live in the now.

Although my heart is still in Ohio with my boyfriend, who wasn’t able to make the trip this year, I’m going to do my best to do just that. It’s what he wants me to do. I’m so blessed to have him in my life. But, that’s another blog post. I love you Jamey-O. I wish you were here with me.

PS: To those of you who came back and read this post, thank you! Technical difficulties trying to blog on my phone. This old girl had to go back to the laptop 🙂

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