An undeniable restlessness lies within me, keeping me from complete contentment. I struggle to break free from everything and everyone that threatens to steal a piece of me. The chasm between the woman I hope to be and the woman I am grows larger every day. Longing to run and run and run without looking back, searching for what’s missing, I falter. What am I searching for? What is it I am missing? Who am I kidding? I couldn’t run around the block without getting a major side cramp! A little too deep even for me, sometimes my introspection gets a little out of control.
Although on the morning of my forty-second birthday, I can’t help reviewing the past, while hoping for what the future might bring. My past experiences, my past decisions all played a part into bringing me to this moment. They shaped me into who I am now – good or bad. If I had a do-over, would I make the same choices again? If I could go back in time as the person I am now instead of the person I was then, probably, but then I wouldn’t be who I am now. So…where does that leave? It leaves me in the present moment of right now. It leaves me struggling to be satisfied with who I am at this precise moment in time. It leaves me impatient. It leaves me wanting to be that better me right now, yet nostalgic for the past that has swept by remarkably fast. The minutes sometimes drag on forever, yet the years fly by so quickly I can hardly keep up. I only have to look at my children to realize that. A morning of clothes flying, insults hurling, and little girls screaming seems to go on forever. Yet it seems like only a minute ago I was cradling them in my arms as newborns.
So while I have set my goals for the next year in my life that I will strive to fulfill, my biggest challenge is to live in the present. To embrace the woman I am right now, knowing that the “me” I am today is “enough” and through God’s strength nothing is impossible.